TOMORROW IS RETAIL HELL DAY

Talk all you wish about the day after Thanksgiving being the biggest shopping day, the reality is that you have to work in retail to recognize that numbers have to be balanced with intensity and desperation to make shopping a real "big" day.

Tomorrow is the last weekend day before the big day and everyone who has to work for the rest of the week will be out grabbing any and everything to finish up. Working in retail on these days deserves a giant commendation. While I am only working part time at Bunns and Noodles, my day is Sunday. That's tomorrow.

I will be juggling customers who want to know what book their wife, daughter, son-in-law, etc. will absolutely love. Or, do we have any polka Christmas music. Is fiction real or not? What was Oprah's last book? We will all stand like the corporate goodies we are and attempt to answer each and every question as nicely as possible. And then we will run into the back room and compete for the most stupid, angriest, or loudest screaming child story. That is how we keep our sanity.

We also nickname our customers. My favorites include some I have named myself: Toilet Paper Lady. This woman comes in with her husband (who drives a new Jaguar every year) bringing her own tea bag, sack of cookies or ramen, and proceeds to sit and read with that cup of hot water being refilled with great regularity. That's fine. It's when she goes to the bathroom that the "shit" hits the fan, so to speak. She knows that these are public restrooms and just anybody might be sitting on the toilet seats, so she pulls out approximately 40 yards of toilet paper, makes a nest, does her business, and leaves. Leaves all of the paper wadded up and clogging the toilet to be dealt with by the same smiling faced people who will ring you up and ask if there is anything else?

There is also Bowling Ball Man. A pervert. I call him Bowling Ball Man because his stomach protrudes out in just such a shape. He is pasty white, comb over hair, polyester clothing and brown shoed. He also considers Bunns and Noodles his own private cruising club. He hovers over the younger female booksellers and intimidates them with his pandering. But, have no fear. They all have portable phones and the call goes out for help and it is usually one of the older, feistier women who will swoop in and return the intimidation in a non confrontable way. After all, the asshole may spend a dime some day and we have an "obligation" to the customer to make sure they all leave happy.

Then there are the ones who will tell you that they can get it cheaper on line...well, get it online. Oh, you don't have a credit card. OOPS. Then you pay for the pleasure of having someone like me find it for you, ring it up, bag it, thank you for buying it and wish you a good day. It's a small price to pay for not setting up a lifestyle that allows you access to computers but not to credit.

Not all customers are bad. I truly enjoy my regulars. I take pride in the fact that there are customers who come in and ask for me by name. But, tomorrow will tax my patience and I will get through it by being as smarmy as I can. So, stop on by your nearest retail outlet tomorrow and realize that the people helping you don't make a lot of money, the biggest benefit they get is generally their store discount, and that, like you, they are just trying to make it through life.

I will be looking at at you and remembering that you all have families, you can't really help it that time got out of hand and you are doing your shopping late, and that when you go home, you just might remember that helpful clerk at the bookstore that tried to make your day just a little easier.