While we are all experiencing the tragedy that occured in the Indian Ocean, while we all weep for the losses, while we all wonder what we can do to help, while we flinch at the horrific pictures and are disturbed by the monumental losses, let's not forget the ongoing tragedies that the world faces every day. These include, but are certainly not limited to; war, poverty, hunger, ignorance, violence, child abuse, racism, homophobia, hatred and intolerance.

The tsunami's victims can be counted in bodies that can be seen at once, the pain on the faces of the survivors and the path of destruction left behind. Victims of the more subtle tragedies above suffer and die in numbers that, it appears, we have become calloused towards. If the bodies of those who have died from suffering from the less recognized tragedies were counted it would be staggering.

This is not meant to dismiss in any way the havoc wreaked upon those who experienced the tsunami, rather, just to remind us all that tragedy occurs daily, in all of our lives, in many ways, and we need to address them just as vehemently.

Peace.

JUST WHEN YOU THOUGHT THE PARTY WAS OVER....A NEW SURPRISE COMES YOUR WAY!

Put those party hats back on and start swingin' that chinchilla, cause Mama's gonna party tonight.

Just in case your invitation got lost in the mail, December 28th is HOLIFESTIGALA . Celebrated all over the world, Holifestigala is the way to end off all the other holidays and prepare for the New Year.

You can dress how you like, but be sure and send cards to those you care about...it might be the last time they hear from you this year. Be sure and check out all of the amazing things that you didn't even know exists. Holifestigala is in the running to become as popular as Festivus.

Don' miss out on the merriment....and be sure and send pictures!

TAKE A LOOK AT WHAT I DID

There are a couple of things going on here. The first is that I finally figured out how to connect photos in the crummy, pre-installed Photoshop 2. The only reason it is really crummy is because every time I tried the "Help" option it connected me or tried to connect me to the website and froze up my computer. So, I just put my thinking cap on and after two months figured it out myself. Who needs those damn tech nerds anyway.

The second thing that is going on is I am going to share some things with you. The first is the picture of my desk at the magazine. Things you can't see include: My screensaver with a Girls Kick Ass as the central theme...the toy...a Hunchback of Notre Dame plastic figure from the days when I ate at fast food restaurants, a small Buddha, and a crown. Because I am a Princess, I get a crown.

There is a bunch of other crap, I mean there are a lot of other treasures there, but the telling point is found in all the post-its around the screen to remind me what I am supposed to do for my money.l

The next picture is of two gifts I received this holiday. The dancing, singing chicken scares me. The reason it scares me is because the person who gave it to me is a very nice woman and when I saw it she said, "I don't know, it just reminds me of you." I think if it had its head cut off it would be more representative of how I behave. The molded dolphins with waves and glitter came from Caden. He was so excited, he had to tell me that he even paid $3 for it. The chicken was immediately re-gifted to Caden and I had no problem not telling him I didn't spend a dime for it. Now, the real scary thing. That is the second dancing chicken I have gotten in the past two years. The next time I bend over, I am putting a mirror in one hand and checking to see if I have suddenly started growing feathers around my ass.

The last picture is of the calendar that the Chinese restaurant that I get the best won ton soup from gave me. It is horrendous. All of the little animals that adorn it have one round spot in one eye and slashes in the other. What does this mean? Is it some anime thing I am missing? But, upon opening the calendar, it only gets worse. The same animals are the pictures and the months are placed two on a page with the squares so small a fortune from one of their tasteless cookies wouldn't fit into it.

So, that is part of the story of my holiday. It leaves out working at Bunns and Noodles on Christmas Eve and the Day after Christmas. Both are experiences that you need a great deal of fortitude or a giant doobie to endure. I'm not telling.

The highlight of the holiday for me was that Caden and Tina came out to the house. I had gotten Caden a $30 DVD player. (Can you believe that, $30 dollars, I am really showing my age since I remember the first Video Tape Player I got cost about $600.) I hooked it up in his room before he got here and wrapped up a roll of toilet paper and a dill pickle and let him open that. He tried so hard to be thankful I was almost in tears. Then he noticed the note. I had set up a hide and go seek game which required that he find all of the clues and follow them. This led him to the office, the bathroom, and the refrigerator. He was so excited that when he came tearing around the corner he slipped on the wooden floor, picked himself up, said he wasn't hurt and went tearing off after the next clue in less than 3 seconds. When he finally got to the present he was as funny a kid as I have ever seen. Bouncing on the bed and screaming. Yeah, got his Granny's self control.

So that was my holiday, I hope all of yours were as wonderful.

Happy Christmas (War is Over)

So this is Christmas
And what have you done
Another year over
And a new one just begun
And so this is Christmas
I hope you have fun
The near and the dear one
The old and the young
War is over
If you want it
War is over over
Now...
A very merry Christmas
And a happy New Year
Let's hope it's a good one
Without any fear
And so this is Christmas
For weak and for strong
For rich and the poor ones
The world is so wrong
And so happy Christmas
For black and for white
For yellow and red ones
Let's stop all the fight
If you want it
War is over over
Now...
And so this is Christmas
And what have we done
Another year over
And a new one just begun
And so this is Christmas
I hope you have fun
The near and the dear one
The old and the young
War is over
If you want it
War is over
Now...
John Lennon

DEVILS IN RED DRESSES

See those two innocuos looking packs of gum up there? I think I hate them. I know I hate them. I have not smoked since February 18, 2002. I have done this with the use of Nicorette gum, willpower and the desire to see my daughter raise the most wonderful grandson in the world. However, I am now addicted to Nicorette gum.

I don't want to be addicted to Nicorette gum anymore. So, because I am so brilliant, I figured out how to break that addiction. I would wean myself from it by chewing some gum with similar qualities and yet without the nicotine. The similar qualities would be...gum for one and sharp, biting, unpleasant taste for two.

I started chewing the "devils in red dresses" about a week ago. I switched off between the two because when the "Fire" gum is chewed, it is truly about FIRE. It lights up your mouth like Dante's Inferno. But, I persevered. I did this for about a week. Switching off between the two substitute gums and the nicotine laden fix. Sure, my mouth burned. But, it was working.

In fact, it was working so well that I could go hours without a piece of gum in mouth. This was for a very good reason. My mouth hurt from the red devils. I wasn't even eating to replace the gum. Why? Because my mouth hurt so bad that I couldn't even drink soda.

Now, I am not a wimp. I am the farthest thing from delicate you can imagine. I like to think of myself as pretty damned tough. I am pretty damned tough. Apparently, the delicate inner lining of my coarse mouth is not as tough as the rest of me. My mouth has been burned to a crisp. It is swollen, red, painful, and basically, unable to function. One side is burned so bad that my cheek is swollen out and I look like one of those cartoon faces with a bad tooth.

None of this, however, tempts me in any way whatsoever to pick up a cigarette. My mouth burn will go away. My emphysema won't.

23 BELOW ZERO, LAKE SUPERIOR, AND A LAKER

It may be cold, but it keeps the riff-raff out.

Here he is, folks. The heavy metal drummer with his puppy t-shirt, froggy bedspread and backed by his stuffed animals. Isn't he just the sweetest thing you've ever seen? Granny sure thinks so!

ONE DOWN, ONE TO GO

Yesterday was a pseudo-madhouse. I have this unfounded belief that customers lurk in the corners of stores and collectively say, "Look's like they got their breath, let's storm them now!" I picture those hordes of Mongols crossing the Alps as they all start to demand attention at once.

I was so tired last night that I missed the 10 o'clock news where the report of the Zamboni blew up at a local rink during a broomball game.

The scary thing about this was that earlier in the day there were children's hockey games going on and the results could have been far more disastrous. One person was injured, although, not seriously but the Zamboni is toast, so to speak.

I work again on Friday (Xmas Eve) at Bunns and Noodles, but that is the day the store is filled with men. With glazed eyes, drool from the corner of their mouths, they storm the store in a last minute frenzy...they will buy anything. I try and steer them away from self improvement and cookbooks...those would piss me off. I got an iron as a gift one time and managed to throw it at the wall in such a way thay it pierced the sheetrock and hung there. Again, I ask, do you wonder why I'm single?

So, Friday will be gift card day, anything day, and Thank Goodness I don't work at Victoria's Secret. (I think they have a rule about working there...clothes have to fit on at least one part of the salesperson's body.)

Onward and upward.

TOMORROW IS RETAIL HELL DAY

Talk all you wish about the day after Thanksgiving being the biggest shopping day, the reality is that you have to work in retail to recognize that numbers have to be balanced with intensity and desperation to make shopping a real "big" day.

Tomorrow is the last weekend day before the big day and everyone who has to work for the rest of the week will be out grabbing any and everything to finish up. Working in retail on these days deserves a giant commendation. While I am only working part time at Bunns and Noodles, my day is Sunday. That's tomorrow.

I will be juggling customers who want to know what book their wife, daughter, son-in-law, etc. will absolutely love. Or, do we have any polka Christmas music. Is fiction real or not? What was Oprah's last book? We will all stand like the corporate goodies we are and attempt to answer each and every question as nicely as possible. And then we will run into the back room and compete for the most stupid, angriest, or loudest screaming child story. That is how we keep our sanity.

We also nickname our customers. My favorites include some I have named myself: Toilet Paper Lady. This woman comes in with her husband (who drives a new Jaguar every year) bringing her own tea bag, sack of cookies or ramen, and proceeds to sit and read with that cup of hot water being refilled with great regularity. That's fine. It's when she goes to the bathroom that the "shit" hits the fan, so to speak. She knows that these are public restrooms and just anybody might be sitting on the toilet seats, so she pulls out approximately 40 yards of toilet paper, makes a nest, does her business, and leaves. Leaves all of the paper wadded up and clogging the toilet to be dealt with by the same smiling faced people who will ring you up and ask if there is anything else?

There is also Bowling Ball Man. A pervert. I call him Bowling Ball Man because his stomach protrudes out in just such a shape. He is pasty white, comb over hair, polyester clothing and brown shoed. He also considers Bunns and Noodles his own private cruising club. He hovers over the younger female booksellers and intimidates them with his pandering. But, have no fear. They all have portable phones and the call goes out for help and it is usually one of the older, feistier women who will swoop in and return the intimidation in a non confrontable way. After all, the asshole may spend a dime some day and we have an "obligation" to the customer to make sure they all leave happy.

Then there are the ones who will tell you that they can get it cheaper on line...well, get it online. Oh, you don't have a credit card. OOPS. Then you pay for the pleasure of having someone like me find it for you, ring it up, bag it, thank you for buying it and wish you a good day. It's a small price to pay for not setting up a lifestyle that allows you access to computers but not to credit.

Not all customers are bad. I truly enjoy my regulars. I take pride in the fact that there are customers who come in and ask for me by name. But, tomorrow will tax my patience and I will get through it by being as smarmy as I can. So, stop on by your nearest retail outlet tomorrow and realize that the people helping you don't make a lot of money, the biggest benefit they get is generally their store discount, and that, like you, they are just trying to make it through life.

I will be looking at at you and remembering that you all have families, you can't really help it that time got out of hand and you are doing your shopping late, and that when you go home, you just might remember that helpful clerk at the bookstore that tried to make your day just a little easier.

SEE BAMBI

WHERE IS BAMBI'S MOTHER?

SARAH KILLED HER TONIGHT WITH HER CAR.

SARAH IS FINE, CAR IS FINE, BAMBI AVAILABLE FOR ADOPTION.

The mother of Bambi died unexpectedly this evening. She was crossing County Road 47 at approximately 5:30 PM when a hunter green, 1995 Chevrolet Malibu became the method by which she took her life. Rumor has it that she had been suffering from depression due to the onset of the cold winter nights and lack of partners to play dodge the vehicles. As impact became inevitable she lowered her head so as not to shatter the driver side headlight and gracefully smashed into the lower fender with such determination that no dent was visible to the naked eye. She was quickly removed by a passing pickup truck driver and roadkill recycler to be properly disposed of in the true scavenger fashion. The gentleman removing her body was in awe of the lack of injury to the "consumable" sections of her body. Sarah will remember the kindness of Bambi's unnamed mother for the rest of her driving experiences and hopes that Bambi knows that her mother died quickly and painlessly. In lieu of flowers, the family is requesting a memorial be placed at the roadside to distract even more vehicle drivers.

MARTHA STEWART I AM NOT...

I thought I was being so cool by getting the easiest recipe I could find from the internet to make cookies for the office "cookie sharing experience." Well, I blew it...I copied this great peanut butter recipe off of a blog and pasted it into word and e-mailed it to myself and was as cocky as a Martha-wannabe could possible be. That is until I noticed that I had not copied the entire recipe. I was missing the number of tablespoons of softened butter I needed. I know it is somewhere between 2 tablespoons and a quarter of a cup. That's it. I could start with two and see how that works out, but I don't really want to spend a lot of time doing this. That was the whole idea behind swiping someone else's recipe.

So, your job...HELP ME! The recipe consisted of peanut butter, softened butter, powdered sugar mixed together, formed into balls to be dipped into melted chocolate. Sounds easy. If any of you have any recipe that looks like this and requires no cooking...send it my way. I have until Monday to reprieve myself for having eaten all of the other cookies that everyone else brought in. I hate sharing...my cookies come from a box, bag, stand, or someplace where someone else has prepared them. Thanking you all in advance, I will be checking my e-mail hourly and let you all know of the success or failure.

You know, I could buy some of those damned green and red Oreos and use them, couldn't I?

WHERE, OH WHERE, CAN SARAH BE?

WHERE, OH WHERE HAS SHE GONE?

Well, it's like this. Now that my health has recovered I find myself back to working 48 hours a week. That coupled with an hour and a half drive to and from work daily, it kind of cuts into the old creative spirit. I will, hopefully, only be doing this through January. Part of it is due to the holiday season and I work in the music department at Bunns and Noodles and this is an easy way to pick up easy cash.

I say easy because it really isn't a tough job. And, the fact that I have been with the company for over ten or so years means that I make a fairly decent wage for my time. I also love music. It is a great way to find to spend money on CD's. I have said for years that in the long run, I have paid them to let me work there. I am not spending the money on me, though. Well, I am in a weird kind of way. Due to my illness and missing of work earlier this year I am a bit behind on medical bills. They tend to get a bit pissy when you don't pay, but, I have explained to them that sooner or later they will get their moolah. What are they going to do? Put the kidney stones back in?

It has also suddenly become winter. This means I awoke this morning to a high of seven degrees to look forward to during the day. This kind of weather means a bit more work. There's the ice to scrape off the car, the extra layers of clothing to stumble into so as not to freeze your ass off, breathing through a scarf ever so delicately so that you don't fog your glasses and driving on highways covered with the ever treacherous "black" ice. Black ice is, theoretically, ice that you cannot see. I can see it. It is shiny. The road is usually not shiny unless it is raining. It does not rain in seven degree weather. So, what the hell is the matter with the rest of these fools. Barreling past at 70 miles an hour, changing lanes, going off the road. If I see them far enough ahead, I will stop to check and make sure everything is ok. It is the Minnesota thing to do. If they do it right in front of me, I keep right on going. I refuse to hit my brakes and follow their stupid asses into the ditch.

Then there is just the energy it takes to stay warm. You can have all the layers you want and the cold will creep in. Not being a native Minnesota, I immediately tense up and try and become the smallest, cold thing there is. Wrong. So, I spend my time tightening up, reminding myself to relax, tightening up, and on and on and on. All of this can be very tiring and then there is eight hours of work and a drive home under the same conditions. Oh well, it keeps the riff raff out.

Caden and I watched Spiderman II Friday night. His review was quite clear. "I really liked it, except for all the kissing. And it was French kissing." I agreed and then asked him if he knew what French kissing was...I got the quintessential nine year old answer: "Yeah, it's like dog kisses, with their tongues all out and all. Yuck!" That's my boy. I can't wait until I see him with his tongue three feet down his girlfriend's mouth and I can embarass the shit out of him. As I've said before, "What good is power if you can't abuse it?"

So, I missed all of you and will surf until my mouse finger falls off tonight seeing what's been up with all of the Blog Exploders...stay warm!

THE BEST NIGERIAN SCAM STORY EVER

If you have an email address you have received offers from people willing to sell you with everything to enhance body parts you may not have, pills to help those parts be bigger, last longer, or improve your life and the not to be forgotten...get rich quick scheme.

Now even before I was involved in the blog experience where information on anything is spread like wildfire, I got one of the Nigerian offers of wealth beyond my wildest dreams. Now, I am not just another Anna Nicole, so it didn't take me long to recognize that this was a scam. So, I did not send my bank routing number and I didn't feel bad about it at all.

A few years later, I ran across this post. It has taken me a lot of work to find it again. The post has grown, there are now more "scamming the scammer" posts, but this was the first one I found and it had me in tears before I was done.

This guy kicks some ass in his ability to scam the scammers. He not only gets money from them, but works in a church, an inititiation that includes drawing a red circle around a body part, joining the circus all coupled with a picture of Niles superimposed on the body of a clown.

Save this for days when you need something to make you blow coffee out your nose.

If you have any other great ones like this, please, please, please, let me know!

Enjoy!

TUESDAY NIGHT'S SPECIAL:WHAT'S IN SARAH'S BED AND WHERE THE HELL HAS SHE BEEN?

Well, it's like this. Last Tuesday was Tina and Caden day, I knew what was in my bed, I was going to post it, and the blog ate my post. Twice. Then I had missed two days of work. Now, even though I only work 8 hours a day, when I get those days off, I turn into a child. Don't go to sleep until late, surf the web, watch Heaven's Gate (which will take up almost two weeks of time), blah, blah, blah. So that by the time I returned to work, I was still exhausted and had work to catch up.

It's hard to believe how much energy brain power takes out of you. Why the hell can't you burn calories with it. I would weigh half of what I do now, there'd be no guilt for refusing to get off my ass and exercise when I'd rather be sedentary, and it would probably cut my prescription drug use in half and I could take up the non-prescription again. Yeah, Granny was a pothead and can remember quite well swearing that they would have to pry that joint from my dead, dying fingers. Amasing how that perspective changes when your health does. Besides that, those munchies would have doubled that prescription drug use!

So, it's been work, crash, work, crash. Throw in a snow storm that made the distance in time an additional twenty minutes each way, and you can imagine how the withdrawal has been. And the ability to pile more shit on my bed has become beyond belief. Yes, folks, if I roll over I will poke my eye out.

Here it goes:

1. Twisted (Jonathan Kellerman book)
2. Teach Yourself HTML Visually (I’m a slow learner.)
3. Time Magazine
4. Newsweek Magazine
5. Food & Family (A free magazine from Kraft Foods about my favorite subject, food.)
6. Prioritize Organize (The book that my boss gave me, the presence of which shows I have not quite conquered its message.)
7. Nicorette Gum (I am no longer addicted to cigarettes. No, now I crave the world’s foulest tasting gum.)
8. Empy bowl and spoon. (Said bowl and spoon previously held and carried apple crisp. This constituted a fruit serving and since the crust was made with granola, provided ample roughage.
9. A pack of Spearmint Gum. (An attempt to change gums. Not working. Will try and find crap flavored gum next.)
10. DVD, Satellite, TV Remotes (These could be listed separately, but I’m starting to get embarrassed.
11. Today’s mail. (I hate mail. With the advent of email, I now only receive bills and junk and who wants that?)
12. Lie Still (Another book.)
13. Book Lust (Oops, almost missed that one. Another book that explains the presence of all the rest.
14. Four Pillows (Two are on the floor in the hole of darkness and death on the far side of the bed.)
15. A ball point pen from TrueMajority.com (Yeah, I know, I lost, I am a loser, but damnit, I’m still proud to be blue.)
16. The laptop. (My soulmate.)
17. Me!

It's not getting better, it's getting worse. I thought that by writing it down I would improve my slovenly ways. Apparently not.

Coming tomorrow: The World's Best Nigerian Spam Website You Will Ever See. (If you don't agree, I will absolutely demand you forward your best to me and I will compare...)

TONIGHT I WISH MY DOG LOOKED LIKE THIS

My dog kind of looks like this. Only grown up. Which makes her bigger. And her eyes are definitely more the color of urine, hence the nickname, "Old Piss Eyes." But, the real reason I wish my dog looked like this tonight is because...hold your breath (literally and figuratively)...tonight my dog is killing me. That cute little puppy up there has one less thing than my dog has. That's right folks. It's an asshole. For this evening my dog is paying me back in the most unkind way for giving her a rawhide bone to chew. Said rawhide bone was not just chewed, however, it was totally devoured and is apparently wreaking havoc upon said dog's digestive track and removing eyelashes and eyebrows from my face with its toxic fumes. And will she leave my room? No, because she loves me because I was so nice to her. If it weren't 15 degrees outside, she would be spending the rest of the night in the solitude of the great outdoors. Soon, she will be spending it outside of my room with the door shut. After I turn the fan on and try and clear the air, so to speak.

And then, being the jump on the wagon kind of person that I am, I decide to rush right over to the "Test Your Subconscious Mind Test" at Tickle (such and innocent sounding name) to find out that I am "driven by self-protection." Yes, and it is going to keep me from choking on my dog's farts as soon as I get this posted.

I hope you all are having a better evening.

You're the United Nations!
or
Welcome to Sarah World!

Most people think you're ineffective, but you are trying to completely save the world from itself, so there's always going to be a long way to go. You're always the one trying to get friends to talk to each other, enemies to talk to each other, anyone who can to just talk instead of beating each other about the head and torso. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't, and you get very schizophrenic as a result. But your heart is in the right place, and sometimes also in New York.
Take the Country Quiz at the Blue Pyramid

See the trouble you can find when you have nothing to do but surf the web. I need to get a life now that I have my own world.

THE GREAT PUMPKIN STRIKES AGAIN

The old standby worked. Until I decided to quit taking it. The Great Pumpkin Cheesecake Fiasco struck again. I called Kristi (my twelve year old doctor, okay, she's not twelve, she looks twelve) and her words, "You need to let nature RUN it's course, no more Lomotil, drink plenty of fluids, eat lightly and plainly." (Emphasis mine.) So, day two at home with a disgusting repeat of yesterday.

Have no fear movies are here! Or, as they can be referred to, "Women in Trouble who have no idea what to do until The Man comes along," or "Women who have lost their memory and have to relearn how to make toast," or "WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING, CHANGE THE CHANNEL, YOU STUPID BITCH."

So, today I am working from home on spreadsheets, reading a stack of books, surfing blog explosion while trying to avoid explosions of my own and cracking up at the fact that one's life can be so turned around by poor eating habits. I promise to do better, I promise to do better, I promise to do better.

One of the first things I did upon finding out that MSN was starting a blog site (only they call it "spaces") was run right over and register my beloved Princess Wild Cow. I probably won't use it at all, but I wanted to protect some other cow from trying to cash in on my infamy. Call it the equivalent of pissing in the corner of the blog roll.

So, back to work, interrupted only occasionally for a game of chance on Yahoo games, Blog Explosion, and wishing I had purchased those flushable ass wipes I saw in the store. Silly me, I mocked them at the time. Little did I know how much I would love to have them right now. Okay, TMI. Too bad, I'm suffering and so will you.

THE PERILS OF
TOO MUCH CHEESECAKE

Not just any cheesecake, mind you, but the absolutely, most amazing, not to be refused Pumpkin Cheesecake from The Cheesecake Factory. It is a seasonal cheesecake. Not available all year round. And, the only cheesecake I eat all year.

Unfortunately, this year I overindulged. I picked a whole cheesecake up to take into work to share. It's so good that it makes you want to share it with everyone. I also wanted to share it with my daughter. So, I picked up two extra pieces to have the night before I took it into work. So, there was the one piece with my daughter.

The next day, at work, we ordered out. Chinese...the best wonton soup ever. And, I ate it all, before we all dove into the Pumpkin Cheesecake. So, there it was. A piece of cheesecake, a mocha for breakfast, wonton soup, more pumpkin cheesecake and the results are: I missed work today and there is a lot of spending time here:

I hereby promise: to not overindulge in cheesecake ever again, to really start eating more sensibly and avoiding any such future setbacks, and, and, I forget the rest. Sorry, have to run (pun intended!)

THE BLOGGER ATE MY BABY!!!!

So, last night's post about what's in my bed is apparently floating around out there somewhere in cyberspace. If it happens to land anywhere near any of you, please tell it to come home.

Also, the post that I posted after that was gone, too...the one about foreign slang and my inability to converse in it.

Both of these items will be addressed at a later time. Right now, I am at work and just grateful that the "technicians" fixed by problems and I can blog again. I was having withdrawal...